Let's Talk About Sex...Or Not!

Did you know that only 9% of couples who talk to each other about sex are sexually satisfied in their relationship.

Many couples avoid discussing the issue of sex and as a result, they worry about the quality of their relationship. Avoiding the subject often results in depression for one or both partners, escalating conflict, and a decrease in overall relationship satisfaction.

For the majority of new moms, sexual desire disappears. This can be difficult for many men to accept and, as a result they tend to withdraw from their partners and babies. In order for this not to happen, Dr. Gottman (Gottman.com) advises to talk and talk a lot about what is happening for each of you. Open and honest communication about sex and about each others boundaries and comfort levels is the key.

Sexual intimacy arises from emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy comes from partners making an effort to connect daily. Consider saying "I love you" everyday sincerely, daily cuddle time, sexy text messages, turning towards your partner when they make a bid, and reminding your partner, if she is a woman, how beautiful she is, are all ways to reach emotional intimacy. When communication is not clear and full of tension, then hurt feelings follow. This is why friendship outside the bedroom is so important to a good sex life.

Dr. Gottman discovered that sex was an integral part of a satisfying relationship and couples need to make it a priority, for example he advises scheduling it and to avoid the "Yes, Buts." These include: not making it the last chore of the day when you are both bound to be tired, you can't find a sitter, saying we have no time for it, it won't be exciting, I won't be able to relax and we don't feel romantic. And if either one of you is not in the mood for sex, use the time for cuddles, kissing and touching each other.

Is there sex after kids? You bet there is! But for each woman the time period will be different. If a woman has had a challenging birth, has suffered postpartum depression, has severe hormonal changes and/or is also parenting a toddler, it may take some time. During this time, it is extremely important for her partner to respect her needs. Continue cuddling, holding, touching and massaging without the pressure for sex.

So, even if it is not comfortable for you, I urge you to find a way to discuss sex with your partner. You and your relationship will be thankful you did.

Here are some questions to begin your next discussion:

  1. What is working for you in your sex life?

  2. Are there areas that are not working or could be improved?

  3. What are the best times to schedule sex in your relationship?

  4. How can you say “NO” without it feeling like a rejection?

Remember: When you are working on your emotional connection as friends you are also working on your intimate connection. They are both cut from the same cloth!

And if you'd like to learn more on how I can help you and your partner form an even deeper emotional connection, please click the link below to book your free 30 minute call with me.

Until next time,



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